Written By: - Date published: 9:15 am, February 18th, 2011 - 11 comments
In a surprise move, John Key has announced the National Party is imposing a media ban on itself until the BMW limo affair dies down. “We got the idea from the Maori Party. Every time they open their mouths over Hone Harawira, things get worse. Shut their mouths and the issue goes away. Brilliant. There’s so much we can learn from our Maori friends”
Written By: - Date published: 2:37 pm, February 17th, 2011 - 18 comments
Rodney Hide has accepted Tariana Turia and Pita Sharples’ challenge to a street race to settle the Supercity Maori Advisory Board dispute. Standing beside his customised Crown limo, the Kupapa II, Sharples said “we called on Rodney to resign as he promised but he won’t. So we’re taking this battle to the streets”.
Written By: - Date published: 9:53 am, February 12th, 2011 - 60 comments
Key: So, Gillard’s coming. Are we talking about a single economic zone?
Groser: Umm. No. Mobile roaming charges.
Key: Christ, Tim. We’re really racking up wins for Kiwi exporters here, aren’t we?
Captain Panicpants: Your numbers with women are down over Hurley. They say you sounded disloyal and they empathise with Bronagh.
Key: Shit now that’s serious. Call the missus. We’ll do something cutsie and distracting.
Written By: - Date published: 10:40 am, February 11th, 2011 - 23 comments
Wednesday, Farrar posts a link to a new blog, ‘Whowuddathort‘, running Goff smears and Key-love. – That evening, ‘someone’ posts a comment: “National Research Unit material, anyone?” – Thursday, another comment: “is fisking the standard parliamentary business? – Minutes later: Whowuddathort’ blog disappears.
Written By: - Date published: 2:41 pm, February 3rd, 2011 - 2 comments
The Onion, PARIS—At a press conference Tuesday, the World Heritage Committee officially recognized the Gap Between Rich and Poor as the “Eighth Wonder of the World,” describing the global wealth divide as the “most colossal and enduring of mankind’s creations.”
Written By: - Date published: 2:27 am, February 3rd, 2011 - 13 comments
Periodically I run a scan to identify network parasites that are sucking up our bandwidth and processing resources in excess. Of course I leave the benign parasites that provide search facilities alone. But I stomp on the nasties.
Tonight the biggest parasite appears to have been a New Zealand government department – the Department of Internal Affairs.
Written By: - Date published: 10:34 am, February 2nd, 2011 - 11 comments
Our Deep Throat in the press gallery (Rob Hosking) leaked us a copy of the admittance test.
Q4) Which of these stories is newsworthy?
a) Greying MP dyes hair
b) Fat MP a little less fat
c) PM supports dictator against popular uprising
d) PM jokes about affairs with domestic abuser
e) Wages drop, as Key secretly promised business
Yeah. I didn’t pass either.
Written By: - Date published: 2:36 pm, January 28th, 2011 - 11 comments
“…When little Aiden toddled up our daughter Johanna and asked to play with her Elmo ball, he was, admittedly, very sweet and polite. I think his exact words were, “Have a ball, peas [sic]?” And I’m sure you were very proud of him for using his manners. To be sure, I was equally proud when Johanna yelled, “No! Looter!” right in his looter face…”
Written By: - Date published: 2:30 pm, January 21st, 2011 - 45 comments
Minister for Unemployment and Associate Minister for Overseas Holidays Paula Bennett.
She really seems to be enjoying herself and not posing at all in this picture by Herald photographer Brett Phibbs.
Written By: - Date published: 12:57 pm, December 23rd, 2010 - 2 comments
Couldn’t resist this excellent BODY cartoon…
Written By: - Date published: 9:56 pm, December 21st, 2010 - 30 comments
‘Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the House,
Nats announced policies, they’re usually scared to espouse.
Journos on holiday, Key out of reach on his Hawaiian vacation,
It was the time to let slip, their plan for ACC privatisation.
Written By: - Date published: 9:49 pm, December 13th, 2010 - 32 comments
How journalists make a hypothetical question based on a nutty claim and manufacture a sensational headline out of it. The really sensational headline is that western journos appear to have picked up the story from that world renowned nutter Anthony Watts raving about a fictional war between Russia and Poland. It looks like you can only rely on hard checked science news from some of the rational blogs, and a Chinese news agency…
Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, December 10th, 2010 - 51 comments
To arms! To arms! The Food Police are coming! Remember how I led you in the battle to get junk food back into schools? It was a near-run thing. If we hadn’t acted, the days of the 12 year-old who can’t climb a flight of stairs without wheezing and going red in the face might have been numbered. Now, National has hypocritically betrayed us.
Written By: - Date published: 2:39 pm, December 8th, 2010 - 7 comments
I saw this old American comic and the coincidence was just too bizarre. I had to share.
Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, December 8th, 2010 - 29 comments
In the Herald yesterday, there was a half-page ad thanking Pansy Wong for her “significant contribution” to National’s coffers the country. John Campbell went in hunt of that contribution. Worth watching all the way through for Duncan Garner’s assessment. As a bonus, Kanwaljit Singh Bakshi gets his first media mention that isn’t about corruption.
Written By: - Date published: 11:54 am, December 4th, 2010 - 8 comments
We have four pairs of tickets to give away for the Garagin Way play in Auckland at 181 Hobson St on the nights of Sunday the 5th or Monday the 6th. As the competition we ran was a bit of a fizzer, we’ll just give them to the first four emails we get at thestandardnz (at) gmail dot com – give us your name to pick up the tickets at the door.
Written By: - Date published: 10:02 am, November 30th, 2010 - 11 comments
You may have seen ads on the site recently for a comedy play called Gagarin Way, which opens in Auckland this Wednesday. As part of the Scoop ad cartel, we have four pairs of tickets to give away. Here’s the game: best – ie most funny/apt – 2011 campaign slogan for each of the Nats, Labour, the Greens, and ACT wins a pair of tickets.
Written By: - Date published: 1:49 pm, November 26th, 2010 - 5 comments
Feel like some Friday fun? Do you know a haycorn from a heffalump? If you answered “yes” to both questions then I think you’re going to appreciate this piece of genius from Lyndon Hood.
Written By: - Date published: 12:37 pm, November 20th, 2010 - 28 comments
John Armstrong’s straight-faced piss-take of John Key’s holiday very important diplomatic mission to Japan last week is very very funny. Without a hint of irony, Armstrong reveals how Key achieved nothing, talked big only to be put in his place by the big boys, and filled in his diary that was devoid of important meetings with pissant PR.
Written By: - Date published: 2:07 pm, November 17th, 2010 - 21 comments
Plumedekiwi has revived his disturbingly good John Key impression in a new vid.
This time, John is explaining the importance of national standards.
Written By: - Date published: 9:10 am, November 11th, 2010 - 13 comments
The image is from a flyer for Hekia Parata’s fundraiser at the ritzy Pauatahanui Inlet Lodge this evening (click through for full flyer). I bet there’ll be lots of working folks in Mana digging into their pockets for the $55 charge.
As for captions, here’s my suggestion:
‘The messiah feeds the 5,000 – for $55 a head’
Written By: - Date published: 10:59 am, November 9th, 2010 - 82 comments
It’s interesting to see the amount of anti-teacher information National is sending to Farrar and Slater. The depth of research involved in uncovering this stuff means it’s clearly research unit work. The latest tidbit Farrar and Slater have their knickers in a twist about is a principal referring to Anne Tolley as ‘Minister Hitler’ on her Facebook wall.
Written By: - Date published: 9:30 am, November 9th, 2010 - 23 comments
I’m a nurse at a public hospital. Our social fund is looking a bit thin this year so we thought would invite school groups to come along to the hospital, charge $25 a head, and let them play around with the equipment like X-ray machines and bandages to get a sense of how we work as a team. I’m sure Mr Key will say it’s a “good idea“.
Written By: - Date published: 3:27 pm, November 5th, 2010 - 43 comments
Labour Party leader and PM of Japan John Key talks to visiting US President Hillary Clinton.
Written By: - Date published: 2:30 pm, October 29th, 2010 - 3 comments
Another 5-second film. Joyce might want his holiday highway Road of Personal Significance but has he considered the benefits of buses for crime fighting?
And Glenn Beck loses it after some web comic guys launch their self-published book on Amazon and beat him out of first place.
Written By: - Date published: 7:39 am, October 28th, 2010 - 25 comments
There was some expenditure that didn’t qualify under the old scheme…We’ve looked to broaden that out. John Key on Warner Brothers, 27 Oct 2010
Written By: - Date published: 8:46 pm, October 22nd, 2010 - 60 comments
It was not until last night that we received confirmation of the retraction from SAG, NZ Equity and AFTRA through press reports.
New Line Cinema
Written By: - Date published: 9:20 am, October 17th, 2010 - 52 comments
Here’s John Cleese, Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett in the classic “An Understanding of Class”, a lovely commentary on one of the pillars of capitalism. Since the abandonment of class rhetoric by Labour a few decades ago, we no longer have a lot of class consciousness in New Zealand. Which is a bit ironic really, considering […]
Written By: - Date published: 3:15 pm, October 15th, 2010 - 29 comments
This might just be Danyl’s best satire piece ever:
National to stand Spider God in Epsom
‘All hail the Spider God,’ said a press release issued by the National Party. ‘The new National candidate for Epsom in 2011.’
Written By: - Date published: 1:45 pm, October 15th, 2010 - 19 comments
Last year, Icelandic comedian Jon Gnarr set up the Best Party to parody the parties that brought Iceland to ruin. The party contested the Reykjavik local elections with Gnarr promising a drug-free Parliament by 2020, a polar bear for Reykjavik zoo, a Disneyland, an end to debt, and to break all his promises. They won and Gnarr is now mayor.
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