The Standard

humour

Categories under humour

Why blog?

Written By: - Date published: 4:00 pm, September 4th, 2009 - 23 comments

So, against my better judgement I’m now a card carrying Standardista. Finally managed to get through the initiation ceremony without fainting. I’ve been issued with a pass card and retina scanned for the Secret Standard Bunker buried deep beneath Parliament. I have access to the restricted mainframe codes and my own Swiss bank account. Q […]

“Science”

Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, September 1st, 2009 - 51 comments

ACT Party Press Release 1/4/2010: ACT has now identified the number one threat to personal freedom, to unbounded economic growth and to vast wealth for all who deserve it. It is “science”. “Science” creates nothing but trouble. “Science” causes climate change. The essence of the matter is that New Zealanders are being asked to cut […]

Sharemarket/Hitler lolz

Written By: - Date published: 9:39 pm, August 30th, 2009 - 6 comments

Top 10 reasons why Key’s visiting New York

Written By: - Date published: 12:13 pm, August 28th, 2009 - 31 comments

10. I got lost on my way to Afghanistaniania. 9. It’s much more fun than running the country. 8. Textes from Kevin Taylor told me to. 7. I’ve got some National Park lignite to sell. 6. I’m on safari, hunting the elusive scuttlebug. 5. My contract with Crosby-Textor requires I do 3 meaningless PR stunts […]

Keep digging

Written By: - Date published: 2:31 pm, August 17th, 2009 - 23 comments

Just noticed the interview with Garrett in the Sunday-Star Times: “Garrett, who “wore overalls and not a suit” while working as a roughneck on oil rigs as a young man, makes no apologies for being a politician that calls a spade “a bloody shovel”.” A spade isn’t a shovel. A spade is made for digging. […]

Smackathon planned

Written By: - Date published: 1:41 pm, August 17th, 2009 - 44 comments

Anti-violence campaigners are urging Auckland parents to be especially vigilant in the wake of news that “Vote No” campaigner Larry Baldock is planning a referrendum victory party at a secret Auckland hotel. Local supermarkets have reported selling out of wooden spoons, extension cords and lengths of copper piping in the lead up to the event. […]

The great leader

Written By: - Date published: 3:06 pm, August 15th, 2009 - 2 comments

Something about the title of this press release from Peter Dunne yesterday just made me laugh:   Call for leadership, vision from pharmacy workshop And, inevitably, it led to this:   

Time for tory charity?

Written By: - Date published: 5:41 am, August 10th, 2009 - 22 comments

Following the success of TV3’s ‘Big Night In’ Telethon which raised over $2 million for KidsCan, I was thinking there are others that could benefit from some charity. You know, the recession is biting and even people who have been used to living well are now having to couple with dramatic cuts to their incomes. […]

Stick to Acting

Written By: - Date published: 3:47 pm, August 7th, 2009 - 20 comments

John explains how what he said was taken out of context, and he outlines his views on climate change.

Caption Competition

Written By: - Date published: 3:25 pm, August 7th, 2009 - 35 comments

John Key ‘may’ be able to understand it?

Written By: - Date published: 11:00 am, August 6th, 2009 - 11 comments

John Key has recently acted like a jerk to a young mother worried about what climate change is going to mean for her future and that of her child. Essentially he said that she should stick to what she knew. Bearing in mind the complete lack of understanding that both John Key and his NACT […]

Anarcho-syndicalist peasants

Written By: - Date published: 1:46 pm, August 4th, 2009 - 4 comments

An old favourite.

Bon moat

Written By: - Date published: 5:19 am, August 4th, 2009 - 40 comments

We’ve been puzzling over how Bludger Bill can be spending all the $920 a week he is rorting for living in his family home in Wellington on an allowance meant for out of town ministers. I mean, $920 is a crap load of money. If a solo mum can eke by on $200 a week […]

Caption competition

Written By: - Date published: 4:44 pm, July 31st, 2009 - 75 comments

Just when we thought he couldn’t top the comic value of the cycleway…

Closing the gap

Written By: - Date published: 2:00 pm, July 23rd, 2009 - 13 comments

I take it all back. Key really is a genius! I didn’t think he could do it, but I underestimated him. Under his leadership, the country has closed the gap with Australia. By 30 centimetres. “Massive New Zealand quake moves country West” — r0b

Cool Cat

Written By: - Date published: 8:25 pm, July 16th, 2009 - 16 comments

Courtsey of Chairman Meow. Obey the Kitteh!

Crusher Collins to launch McPrisons

Written By: - Date published: 8:47 am, July 16th, 2009 - 18 comments

Crusher Collins to launch McPrisons(TM) Clearly envious of the regular stream of complimentary Happy Meals arriving at Paula Bennett’s Parliamentary office (Paula tells us she has already managed to collect seven out of the eight of the new Ice Age figurines), Crusher Collins has attempted to go one better than Bennett’s McJobs scheme with a […]

Leak: Key’s next big plan revealed

Written By: - Date published: 4:10 am, July 15th, 2009 - 19 comments

Today Key is giving a major speech on the economy. He told Oliver Driver on Sunrise yesterday that it would be “pretty high level”, and he wasn’t joking. The Sir Peter Blake Awesome Stratosphere Rollercoaster will rise from Queen’s Wharf, circle the Sky tower, rise to a height of 1500m, and do a twisting loop before plunging […]

The Daily Refrain on swine flu

Written By: - Date published: 7:45 am, July 11th, 2009 - 1 comment

Sometimes writing is hard. Especially when one is hungover for the third morning in a row. Thank God for Youtube.  This one goes out to all our readers who are, or will be, addled by swine flu. Honestly, if you aren’t watching The Daily Refrain, you’re wasting your life.

Should a…

Written By: - Date published: 5:00 pm, July 8th, 2009 - 37 comments

www.should-a.com, a website “created for the express purpose of openly mocking the citizen’s initiated referendum aimed at The Crimes (Substituted Section 59) Amendment Act 2007, popularly known as the Anti-smacking Amendment”. Awesome.

Labour lolz

Written By: - Date published: 12:48 pm, July 3rd, 2009 - 36 comments

I reckon Red Alert, the Labour MPs’ blog, has been a huge success. It’s great to see MPs unscripted and it’s good for them to get the instant public reaction in the comments. It’s also a bit of a political risk. When you’re allowing instant, uncensored public reaction you can’t hide from criticism and you […]

Definitely not the sewer

Written By: - Date published: 5:16 pm, July 1st, 2009 - 54 comments

This post by Scott Yorke over at Imperator Fish amused me. It is such an apt description of the differences between the two major political partisan blogs in New Zealand. I like to visit The Standard now and then. There’s an occasional gem to be found there, although an angry hectoring tone largely dominates. The main […]

They put a bus lane through my heart

Written By: - Date published: 1:57 pm, July 1st, 2009 - 8 comments

This goes out to all the dispossessed emos of Manners Mall, the forgotten victims of Wellington City Council’s new bus lane: [Hat tip: the wellingtonista.]

Libertarian laughs

Written By: - Date published: 11:19 am, June 27th, 2009 - 17 comments

[Hat tip: onegoodmove]

What, me worry?

Written By: - Date published: 2:00 pm, June 24th, 2009 - 53 comments

Apparently, Minister for Unemployment Paula Bennett doesn’t like reading too much, She prefers to have things explained to her with whiteboards, charts, and graphs. Now, we’ve received one of those graphs with Bennett’s notes added. Seems she’s as relaxed about soaring unemployment as Key:

Headline fail

Written By: - Date published: 2:33 pm, June 23rd, 2009 - 39 comments

This is a classic. Media are reporting that National MP Nick Smith has had an assault complaint lodged against him by a Nelson man. Right on cue, Farrar puts up a quick post to downplay the whole thing. His choice of headline? “Sounds like a beatup” That’s one epic headline fail 🙂 [For what it’s […]

Caption Competition

Written By: - Date published: 3:30 pm, June 19th, 2009 - 58 comments

The Daily Refrain takes on Larry Baldock

Written By: - Date published: 8:31 pm, June 18th, 2009 - 15 comments

So. There’s this dude who writes a song a day (weekdays only) and puts it on Youtube. Calls it The Daily Refrain. He’s been going three weeks now. Mostly pretty funny and well written. Great little project. Seems like he’s a Kiwi. He’s put up one about the child-beating referendum which is brilliant. Hilarious. But […]

A place in the sun

Written By: - Date published: 11:08 am, June 12th, 2009 - 14 comments

Another bad week is about to end for John Key with a mammoth defeat of his handpicked Mt Albert candidate. What’s that now, four disaster weeks in a row? And another one to come next week when the House resumes and he has to face all those unanswered questions about why he sacked Worth. Gee, […]

Self-inflicted wounds

Written By: - Date published: 12:38 am, June 12th, 2009 - 5 comments

Whale Oil has a page of ‘trophies’. Little pictures of people he thinks he has dragged through the mud and embarrassed. Even made himself a little ‘harpooned’ image. Running this ‘ludicrous’ (as John Armstrong called it) honey-trap line. Getting Farrar to run it too. Only to have Key come out and say he believes the […]

Political Chicanery

Written By: - Date published: 10:20 am, June 9th, 2009 - 11 comments

The Irascible Curmudgeon writes some really good posts. So without apology we republish this little gem on spin and the art of re-writing history. John Key follows the same style – as evidenced by his shifty stories on when he knew about complaints against Richard Worth last week. The sort of political spin we can […]